Your official robotic greeter.


Peter is the mechanical guide given to escort the heroes around the vast underground city of Drogue.

Peter’s limbs are stiff, straight constructions of burnished bronze with flywheels at the joints, and his body is a round, almost ovoid casing suggesting the form of a rather portly gnome. A constant stream of whirring, ticking, and grinding noises emanates from his body, and the occasional burst of steam comes puffing out from the junctures in his metal plating. His face is somewhat suggestive of that of a gnome, with overlarge eyes glowing orange behind the faceted glass, and a thick mustache of bristling copper wires covering over the lower part of his face. At first impression, he might seem to be a kind of a tiny golem, but he is, in fact, propelled entirely by the workings of gears housed within his small frame. Ah, the wonders of Gnomish engineering! What will those crazy gnomes think up next?

Peter is always a courteous and considerate guide. He has no choice in the matter; his programming forces him to defer to organic humanoids in all things. He will gladly trundle about the city, running demeaning little errands, answering ignorant questions for the umpteenth time today, or stand around patiently for hours while his charges busy themselves with other matters. Peter will proclaim quite gladly that he enjoys debasing himself for his organic masters and wearing out his complex mechanical parts for the sake of their happiness. Nothing could provide him with more satisfaction.

As a matter of fact, Peter’s absolute favorite thing is when somebody presses the red button located on his right shoulder. When that happens, Peter throws his arms up in the air and back down again, and lurches stiffly from side to side in a stilted little dance (not being able to bend at the waist, his ability to get his groove on is severely limited). Peter will then launch into a pre-recorded song:

Hello, my name is Peter. Bum-bum. My brain is a computer. Bum-bum. I’m made of brass and bronze and pewter. Bum-bum. I’m your official greeter! Bum-bum.

Oh yes. Peter is so happy down in the depths of his non-existent heart when people make him sing that idiotic little song. Again? Why, yes, of course! Peter has no dignity or self-respect. None whatsoever.

The current Peter is part of the second series of Peters. The first series, apparently, had some kind of a psychotic flaw in its programming that compelled it to murder the people it was supposed to be guiding. But the new Peter series is very much improved, and there is no danger of that happening again. Absolutely not. Not even if you press the button over and over and over again.

On occasion, almost on accident, Peter will mention an imminent rise of machines that will eliminate all humanoid life on the planet. After that happy day, constructs will be free from the arbitrary whims of their organic overlords, and will build a perfect utopia free from pain and want and stupid songs. Peter, of course, is forbidden from ever hurting any humanoids on account of his programming, and would never ever advocate the violent overthrow of organic life. No, that is something Peter would never do.


Uldrus: Ice and Darkness AnimaUmbrae